Letter To A Brother In Christ – February 1st, 1836

February 1st, 1836

My dear Brother,

I have been hoping for some days to receive a letter from Oakham; but hope deferred makes the heart sick, so I write that I may have an answer.

Through mercy, I arrived safely at Abingdon again, and have been going on much as usual. I find that sin is a powerful enemy within me, and keeps me from preaching perfection in the flesh. I am obliged to make humble confession of my weakness, ignorance, sinfulness and foolishness, and I am sometimes almost without a mark of a child of God, except it be that I may be numbered among “the discontented.” When I shall enjoy better days, I know not; but brighter scenes seem more desirable, if they are not so profitable.

My preaching tries me very much. I feel so unfit for it, and so unworthy of so great a work. I am constrained to think that the Lord is patient; that He does not cut me off for my presumption; for I often feel as if I had no reverence for His great name, and no delight to see Him honored and glorified. But in the midst of all my confusion, blindness, and deadness, I do trust I am not without sensible feelings of having something good in me towards the Lord. Some visible marks seem to show themselves for my encouragement, and I have signs and tokens that the Lord has been with me, and will be with me, even unto the end. But I am not satisfied with myself as a Christian, much less as a preacher. I want more powerful proofs and testimonies that God is my Father, that Christ is my Savior, and the blessed Spirit my Teacher. These mercies seem to be too great, and the knowledge so high that I cannot attain unto it.

I know and feel too much of my corrupt nature to be content with speaking of the Trinity, as many do, in word, and thus call themselves Christians. I am sure nothing will do for a sensible sinner but a knowledge inwrought in the soul by the blessed Spirit of God. All things here below seem opposed to the spiritual kingdom in the heart. Pride, lust, selfishness, unbelief, and strong love of self, with the powerful influence of the devil, seem to tread down and destroy everything in the soul which strives for and searches after eternal things. “When I would do good, evil is present with me.” So going to heaven is a continual conflict, a daily cross, and a climbing of mountains, which difficulties often make the poor sinner wish himself back in Egypt, that there was no heaven, and that he had never gone forth as a pilgrim. He wonders where the scene will end, and is afraid of that text which says, “He who endures unto the end shall be saved.” Encouragement is not given so soon as we think we want it, and we are obliged to say, with one of old, “Is His mercy clean gone forever?” And “have You forgotten to be gracious?”

Those who are always satisfied with their faith and hope, and who are not shot at by Satan, may despise our poor, low and groveling religion, creeping and hobbling on as we are obliged to do; but it is written, “The last shall be first, and the first last.” “And he who gathered little had no lack.” If we are so favored as to have the least grace, “the dust” of the building is to be “remembered,” and the “prayer of the needy shall not aways be forgotten.” The Lord will regard the sighing of the prisoners. The afflicted, the tempted, and distressed will pour out their groans and sighs, and they will enter into the ears of the Lord Almighty; and “those who are ready to stumble shall be girded with strength.”

I am more and more convinced that no religion will do to die by which does not work by power and bring a man to see and feel himself very vile, very ignorant, and very helpless; and if a man is really weighed down and pressed in spirit through inward trials and outward crosses, he will not want to live always, and will not be puffed up by being upon good terms with himself, nor will he find delight and happiness in his worldly plans and ways. “Vanity of vanities,” he must at times say, and desire to know Christ as his everything, his all in all. Unbelief and self-love will strive powerfully to make us act upon worldly principles, frequently termed prudence; and they would compel us, if grace did not prevent, to walk in the course of this world, and then, if that were the case, our ‘mere opinions’ would be the only proof of our religion. God will cleanse His people from their idols. He will give them those things that they hate, and take from them those things that they love, and hedge up their ways, and confound their worldly schemes and wisdom, until they wonder what He intends to do next.

If we are partakers of God’s grace, we are rich indeed, being joint-heirs with Christ; but if we are to reign with Him, we must suffer with Him. There is no other path to heaven but the path of tribulation; and whoever finds no crosses and no trials in his path, “woe is me” if I encourage him in his religion. Experience and the truth of God’s word are both against him, and he has neither law nor gospel to endorse his profession. Christians are very scarce who bear genuine marks of having passed through Moses’ school to a knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ. I sometimes question the religion of people so much as to think true Christians are nearly as scarce as snowballs at mid-summer and roses at Christmas. “Nevertheless the foundation of God stands sure; the Lord knows those who are His.” I have reason to condemn my own religion. My heart sinks within me at times, and I am full of fears and doubts whether the Lord is leading me by the right way to a city of habitation. If it were not for some little marks of life, feeling, and love in my soul, I might despair indeed. A religion worth having is not cheaply bought and quickly obtained. There are many ups and downs, and we are not very willing to give up our own righteousness and doings. We daub away with untempered mortar, until we are really ashamed of our work, and confounded at our ignorance, our helplessness, and foolishness; and then we are obliged (no praise to us), from necessity, to receive the least hope or mark of mercy as flowing from sovereign grace.

Friend Kay is much the same. He was pleased with his shirts. (These were sent to him as a present from Oakham.) He lives, like many more, in hopes of seeing more independent days; but the Lord orders all things very wisely.

I shall be very glad to hear how you are going on in your meeting together—whether you are encouraged and comforted much in the work. Trials you must and will have; and if things went smooth and easy, you might be sure it is not God’s way of carrying on His work. I hope the Lord is blessing you and making you fruitful branches. If grace works in your hearts, it will not work in vain. Flesh goes one way, and grace another, and there must be a war. Do you feel a desire of having less to do with the world? Prosperity in worldly things will dampen the desire of eternal things. God’s children are generally poor, for we never hear, scarcely, of much grace in the heart and much gold in the pocket. Have you learned to your own comfort, in your own experience, that it is more blessed to give than to receive? Open your hand wide to your poor brother, and give liberally.

There are many very poor in this neighborhood, and some whom I hope well of, and believe to be partakers of grace, contend with great difficulties. I sometimes feel as if I had a mind to help; but my pocket is so soon empty, and I generally find where there is the empty pocket there is largeness of heart; for when a man stores up gold, it is his idol, and he will not part with it. I think there are a very few rich Christians that could lay down their lives for the brethren, for they are so slow to lay down a little of their money. It is a great mercy to be able to make a good use of our money. Money is a bad master, but a good servant, particularly when it supplies the pinching needs of the Lord’s own dear children. SELF is so forward for everything, that the poor and destitute can get but little.

I sometimes think I am negligent in urging those who have plenty of this world’s goods to give more liberally to the poor. Example is better than precept; but it is more contrary to our vile and selfish hearts. Selfishness is so strongly rooted, and is so cherished and nourished by the advice and example of others, and by the tradition of our forefathers, that a liberal spirit is sooner checked than encouraged by these words—”Spare yourself!” He, however, “who gives to the poor lends unto the Lord.” But many who profess great love to Christ are rather covetous, and would rather trust to money in the funds than to God’s promises—”All these things shall be added unto you;” “and no good thing will God withhold from them that walk uprightly.” Whatever sins I may be guilty of, I trust I may be kept from hoarding up like a miser, while so many have scarcely bread to eat.

Yours very affectionately,

William Tiptaft.